Pessimist at Work

Illegal Immigrants

2011-02-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

From The Manitoba Heraldby Clive Runnelshenry

Canadians: “Build a Damn Fence!"

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves."A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s."If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age" an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies."I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

Johannesburg, the world-class city

2010-04-20T03:12:00.002-06:00

The funniest and most painful interview with a mayor - ever.

"Funny" justice

2010-02-28T02:14:00.001-07:00

Terrible, terrible plague is coming:

2010-02-17T23:27:00.001-07:00

Global Disastrification

2010-02-08T22:38:00.002-07:00

That explains a lot!

2010-02-01T01:28:00.001-07:00

Ever wondered why we behave in certain ways without knowing why?

The Terrorism Quiz

2010-01-29T22:11:00.002-07:00

One hopes that the folks screening us at airports are given this quiz and are guided accordingly.

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, young Israeli athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Darth Vader
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. During the 1980’s, about 96 Americans and Europeans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. Michael Jackson
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut were blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70-year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davey Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight #103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10. On 10/12/2000 the USS Cole was blown up and seventeen sailors were murdered by:
a. Brad Pitt
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered (beheaded) by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. On 10/12/02 two large bombs were detonated in a tourist district of Bali, which murdered 202 people and wounded 240 people; On 3/11/04 the trains in Madrid were blown up, 191 people were murdered, 1800 were wounded; on 7/7/05 the subway system and a bus were blown up in London, 56 were murdered, 700 were wounded; on 3/7/06, a Hindu Temple was bombed in India, 28 people were murdered, 100 were wounded; on 4/11/07, car bombers in Algiers murdered 33 people and wounded 222 people; in 11/ 08, Mumbai endured a massacre which lasted four days and resulted in 173 people being murdered and 308 people being wounded. All these acts were committed by:
a. Tiger Woods
b. Sarah Palin
c. Madonna
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

14. On 11/5/09, 13 American soldiers were murdered and 31 people wounded at Fort Hood in Texas. This act was committed by:
a. Bart Simpson
b. ET
c. Nancy Pelosi
d. Muslim male extremist between the age of 17 and 40

That's effing funny!

2009-11-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

A little known fact

2009-08-10T23:48:00.002-06:00

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Risen on hot air

2009-05-12T02:19:00.000-06:00

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Islamic Scholar Endorses Pork

2009-04-01T22:09:00.002-06:00

ECFR, 1 April 2009

In a stunning reversal of a classical Islamic position, the leader of the European Council for Fatwa and Reserach, Yusuf al-Qaradawi, has announced that as of today, eating pork is no problem after all.

According to usually reliable sources, al-Qaradawi states:
At the ECFR, we have examined the matter throughoutly, and decided that the traditional Islamic ban on eating pork is unfounded. The ban originally existed due to the risk of the disease Trichinella, which is rather serious. Since modern-day research has largely eliminated this problem, we shall as soon as possible issue a Fatwa declaring pork perfectly suitable for consumption also by Muslims.

Asked about how the Council could engage in a change of position of this magnitute, al-Qaradawi continues:

First, it is worth noting that the ECFR is also a council for research. We have examined relevant historical and scientific sources and determined that the ban on pork was historically well founded for medical reasons. But it no longer serves any reasonable purpose, and upholding it would be faulty and an expression of religioius fanaticism. Since we are not fanatics and do not want to be in the way of common sense, updating our position makes sense. We do not want Muslims to remain in a state of ignorance.

The notion did meet some resistance in our 33-member council. This is a quite large group to move from a reactionary to a modern position on any matter. But the fact that the ECFR has been perceived as unreasonably conservative, even fundamentalist, had become a cause for concern. This softened the position of the board members.

Further, the strictness of Sharia law, and the propagation of contradicting or downright silly Fatwas was becoming a headache for Islamic scholars and believers alike.

The most serious concern was that lifting the pork ban might have a negative impact on our authority in Islamic circles. This was a tough challenge, but the fact that our current positions have been object of ridicule and were short of scientific backing anyway, it was becoming unsustainable to stick to every written detail of Islamic scripture.

Second, the modern research on pork is actually quite good. Scientists have long confirmed that while pork may not be the very best of foods, it is not the cause of moral decay or any of the other gross claims that conservative religious scholars have perpetrated in order to scare Muslims from eating pork. Research has long shown that their position is fully unwarranted.
Third, the financial crisis is causing trouble for many low-income families. Having a low-cost alternative for the daily shopping makes life easier. Religion is good, but should not become an obstacle in daily life and to happiness in general, which overly strict interpretations tend to do.
Inquired if we can expect similar changes in classical Islamic positions in the near future, al-Qaradawi responds positively:

Yes, we are interested in proceeding to making Islam more sensible, and are in negotiations with the prime Islamic reform movement, the Muslim Brotherhood on how to proceed.
Once the initial fear and resistance was given up, it was actually a relief to reverse the ban on pork, and we have set down research groups to prepare similar updates on other subjects. Prime candidates include freedom of expression, child marriage, anti-Semitism, incitement to violence, and suicide bombings. You should expect the ECFR to issue more statements and actual fatwas through the year of 2009.

As a final note, it is suggested that Muslims enjoy their sausages, ham and bacon right away. It is, after all, only 1st of April today.

Source: http://europenews.dk/en/node/21854

It's a deal!

2008-11-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

Parenthood: There is more to it than that

2008-10-23T19:14:00.002-06:00

Overheard:

Teen boy: May I be excused from the table? I have to take a shit.
Older teen sister: Ewwwww, you're disgusting!
Dad: Be thankful. At least we've got him eating with utensils.

Small boy: I want to go downtown!
Patient mother: We are going downtown.
Small boy: I want to go uptown!

Mother to small child lagging behind: Do you want to go home with another family?

Five-year-old: Daddy, I want ice cream.
Father: How does it feel to want something?

Girl #1: I don't understand why parents are upset when babies die...it's not like they've accomplished anything.
Girl #2: I think there's more to it than that.
.

How did we get there?

2008-10-13T00:03:00.002-06:00

Markets in turmoil. 401(k) plans evaporating overnight. Huge financial institutions declaring bankruptcy. A black abyss of oblivion engulfing America, as ragged cannibal armies of hollow-eyed MBAs stagger down Wall Street, feasting on the bloated, rotting corpses of CNBC hosts in a desperate attempt to survive one more day. American are asking: how did we get here? The answer may surprise you. … Read more

God-approved nymphomania

2008-10-08T22:18:00.002-06:00

The world-wide web has now been completed with the birth of Christian Nymphos site. From now on, there are no new frontiers to explore!

The website states:

“We are women with excessive sexual desire for our husbands! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, God wants us to be madly in love with our husbands. He wants us to keep that fire burning in our marriage beds! We have the Song of Solomon as a perfect example of a Christ honored union where the two people are obviously intoxicated with each other.”

As one reader commented on the site: “Saint Augustine ain’t turning over in his grave, he’s been tossed into a blender.”

Sex in the Islamic City

2008-09-21T17:05:00.001-06:00

Do you fancy unlimited sex orgies? Or are you inclined toward the horror genre and refined torture stories? No, it’s not Hollywood or the porno industry – it’s all in the Koran. Don’t miss the fun!

FrontPage Magazine: Sex in the Islamic City

Bedroom design

2008-09-15T02:14:00.001-06:00

Just when you thought everything has already been invented!

Summer break

2008-06-22T23:36:00.003-06:00

After a rainy spring, summer has finally arrived to our part of Canada and I intend to savour every warm minute of it. Thanks for visiting and see you in September!

Why women live longer than men

2008-06-10T01:24:00.002-06:00

Goodbye, Trinity Church!

2008-06-01T01:27:00.002-06:00

Two months ago, Barack Obama declared: “I could no more disown this church than I could disown my own white grandmother who let me eat my waffles and served me arugula...”

The Obamas are now joining the Church of Holy Opportunity. White Grandma, your waffles better be good or else!

Her name used to be Bob

2008-05-20T23:19:00.000-06:00

Teen cashier: I'll need to see some ID.
Female shopper: Ok, here you go.
Teen cashier: [Looks at woman's driver's license.] Oh wow, so you're an organ donor?
Female shopper: Yes.
Teen cashier: Oh my god! Which organ did you donate?

The lawn has rights, Mom!

2008-05-12T01:57:00.000-06:00

Swiss lawyers are elaborating the doctrine of vegetable rights. A few years ago the Swiss added to their national constitution a provision requiring "account to be taken of the dignity of creation when handling animals, plants and other organisms. No one knew exactly what it meant, so they asked the Swiss Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology to figure it out." In short, they are arguing that plants have inherent rights which humans can't transgress.
. One of the arguments for plant rights is that vegetables are members of "collectives". But beyond that, each individual plant has inherent worth, rather in the way that men used to have. Therefore the committee concludes that "it is unanimously held that plants may not be arbitrarily destroyed ... the majority considers this morally impermissible because something bad is being done to the plant itself without rational reason and thus without justification."

Read the article here…

This is what happens when vegetables obtain a university degree. On the other hand, here's an entire shelf full of excuses for kids to defy their parents when ordered to:

Cut the Grass...
Weed the Dandelions...
Prune the hedge…
Shape the topiary plants.

The sex life of dogs

2008-05-04T22:10:00.001-06:00

[Man with big dog is standing on the sidewalk. Man with small dog walks by. Small dog starts jumping at and around big dog.]

Man with big dog: Is it a boy?
Man with small dog: Yeah.
Man with big dog: Oh, he better watch out! [Gestures to his dog.] She's a slut!

Ask a jihadi

2008-04-28T00:39:00.004-06:00

Al-Qaida No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahri will soon answer the hundreds of questions submitted by journalists, militants and others about the terrorist network’s future, its media wing announced Wednesday.
—Associated Press.

The following are sample questions published by Andy Borowitz from The New Yorker:

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

Please find attached my homemade terror video, entitled “Death to America.” In it, you will see that I brandish an AK-47, make angry facial expressions, and threaten the infidels with imminent doom. Am seeking a full- or part-time position with Al Qaeda making spooky tapes. Have own cave.
—Fingers Crossed in Peshawar

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I am a member in good standing of the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade and am considering switching my terror membership to Al Qaeda. Is there a difference in dental?
—Confused in Cairo

Dear Ayman al-Zawahiri:

I am a big fan of Osama bin Laden and would like to get his autograph. I have an eight-by-ten glossy of him but don’t know where to send it. Could you please give me his exact mailing address?
—Borge W. Gush, Washington, D.C.

For more questions (and answers) go to The New Yorker page.

Afghan Hi!-tech

2008-04-21T22:16:00.001-06:00

This cool do-it-yourself home security project comes to us all the way from Afghanistan. When the alarm sounds, the system rings the owner’s cell phone, from where he can speak to the intruders by speaker phone. If that does not frighten them away, then a quick blast of the Kalashnikov is likely to send them on their way. The system will remote fire his assault rifle.

Sincerity is the way of heaven (Confucius)

2008-04-11T23:12:00.003-06:00

Environmentalist with clipboard: Excuse me, do you have a minute to help save the environment?

Woman in suit: I'm sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don't have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie.

World's greatest religions

2008-03-23T02:10:00.000-06:00

A little bit pregnant

2008-03-16T21:58:00.001-06:00

(Overheard)

Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abortion? I mean, I'm not even pregnant!

Angry frat boy on cell: Oh, so now I'm the bad guy? Let's talk about you and your irrational pregnancy!

Female security guard to friend: I don't think I'm pregnant. There's no way I can be pregnant, because I was only having light sex.

The art of parking

2008-03-10T00:35:00.001-06:00

Family disturbances

2008-03-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay... Then they told me I was adopted.

Chick #1: So I came home last weekend, and I saw that my dad had organized my vibrators.
Chick #2: By color or shape?
Chick #1: Color.

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning... Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I'm really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

Informed, cultivated and alert

2008-02-24T00:13:00.002-07:00

"Democracy, finally, rests on a higher power than Parliament. It rests on an informed and cultivated and alert public opinion." Dr. Eric Eustace Williams

Overheard in the crowd:

Middle-aged white lady: Go Obama! Go Obama! I don't know what he stands for, but I sure like to look at him!

Black woman to male friend: I just find it ironic that a woman and a black man are running... And I'm going with the white guy.

What religion is your bra?

2008-02-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.

Know your cup sizes:

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

A rude Frenchman? C’est impossible!

2008-02-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

Mr Rude is a new character in the British children’s TV programme Mr Men. He speaks with French accent, invites children to pull his finger - and then breaks wind.

A source at the French Embassy said: "It is obviously meant in a light-hearted way but it won't improve Anglo-French relations.”

Especially as Mr Men can now be classified as a reality show.

Let me demonstrate a hands-on experience, soldier!

2008-02-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

Bedtime stories for college kids

2008-01-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

Excitable Islamic Studies professor at Eugene Lang College: "... And what happened when the woodcutter spoke to Mohammed? Yes! He gave him wood! This man, he gave Mohammed wood! And why could only this man give Mohammed wood? Just because he was a woodcutter? No! And do you know what happened when this man gave Mohammed wood? Mohammed's wood exploded into flowers! Yes!"

And if you don’t believe this, you’ll be beheaded!

Avoid classes with oral exams

2008-01-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Middle name: The last bastion of modesty

2008-01-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

Overheard in the street

Tween #1: What is your middle name?
Tween #2: I don't want to tell you.
Tween #1: Why won't you tell me what your middle name is? I showed you a picture of me naked!
Tween #2: That is so not the same. Your naked picture is on the Internet. Anyone can see it!

Fashion page: What to do with a giant hygienic pad?

2008-01-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

Batteries not included

2007-12-17T02:51:00.000-07:00

Muslims, are you sick and tired of driving Italian Catholic cars or German Protestant cars? Do you want a car that shares your religious beliefs?

Opt for the first Islamic car!

Manufactured in Iran, Turkey and Malaysia, it will contain a Prayer Rug, a Mecca-pointing compas and a Koran-holder. The car automatically stops running at the beginning of each prayer time and is programmed to self-destruct at the driver’s first impious thought.
.

The origin of pink polka dot upholstery

2007-12-08T01:02:00.000-07:00

In the cat food aisle:

Shopper #1: What I hate is that they even put food coloring in cat food. And then when my kitty farts--

Shopper #2: --You can tell where Fluffy's been sitting.

Muslim teddy bear has paws chopped off

2007-12-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

Infidel! The next time it shall be your head!

SUDAN was facing international sanctions last night after hacking off the little paws of a three year-old teddy bear.
The cuddly toy was found guilty of blasphemy after taking the name of the prophet Muhammad, in defiance of the country's strict Islamic teddy-bear naming laws.

A spokesman for the Sudanese ministry of justice defended the sentence, adding: "This is an act of mercy. "Our laws demand that blashpeming toys be stripped to their underwear and stoned to death before their bodies are thrown into the desert as an afternoon snack for the vultures.
"By removing only the paws of this infidel we are demonstrating great restraint. This is a gesture of goodwill to you Western devils and your pornographic governments."
He added: "How would you react if your child named a teddy bear after Jesus, John the Baptist or even Tom Hanks?

"Would you not decapitate the toy, thrash the child and throw the teacher off a cliff to be devoured by ravenous killer whales?"

The United Nations and Amnesty International have called for the release of more than 2500 cuddly toys imprisoned without trial since early September.

A UN spokesman added: "Of course, some may argue there is no point in us keeping all these Sudanese children alive if they can't even think of a legal name for a teddy bear."
The bear was named following a classroom vote, with 'Muhammad' chosen ahead of 'Paddington', 'Baloo' and 'Al-Hassan, the Terrible Golden Sword of Righteousness'.

The blasphemous teddy, as he appeared before the judge:

Source: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk

Convert to Judaism and start a fashion

2007-11-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

Overheard at school:

Student #1, on Jewish circumcision: Isn't it, like, they cut off your foreskin and put it on your head?

Student #2: Oh my god, that is so awesome! If you could get foreskin yarmulkes, I would totally become Jewish.

Why men shouldn't take messages

2007-11-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

Memories, sweet memories

2007-11-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

Overheard on the street

50-year-old man: God, I haven't see you since we were, what, 21?
50-year-old woman: What was it, 1980? Somewhere around there?
Man: Remember that Frank Zappa concert we went to at Stonybrook in 1978?
Woman: Yeah, and who got you those front row seats, motherfucker? Me! I stood on line for 24 hours so I could be the first in line for tickets.
Man: Remember he pulled you up on stage to sing with him?
Woman: Sure!
Man: Well, I have a recording of that. I had a little tape recorder in my pocket and I taped the whole show.
Woman: You're gonna make a copy of that tape, aren't you? I gave you your very first blowjob, remember?
Man: Believe me, I remember it in every exquisite detail. Yeah, that's worth a copy of a tape.

The alternative use of toothpicks

2007-11-03T21:10:00.000-06:00

Source : MEMRI

There are many uses for the humble toothpick. According to Saudi cleric Muhammad Al-'Arifi, in addition to oral hygiene, the building of appetizers, and other mundane tasks, toothpicks also solve domestic problems.

Following are excerpts from a program which aired on LBC TV on September 9, 2007. Al-‘Arifi is addressing an audience of male teenagers.

Muhammad Al-'Arifi: Men beat women more often than women beat men. I said that some women beat their husbands because this happens, but it is rare, and there is no need to hold conferences on wives who beat their husbands. I believe this is less prevalent, because by nature, the body of the man... In most cases, Allah made the body of men stronger than the body of women. Therefore, you and your sister... You may be taller than your mother, right? If your mother is ill, you may be able to carry her, but she cannot carry you. Allah created women with these delicate, fragile, supple, and soft bodies, because they use their emotions more than they use their bodies. Therefore, while the man may use beating to discipline his wife, she sometimes uses her tears to discipline him. He gets what he wants by screaming, while she gets what she wants from him by crying and displaying emotions. For men, women's emotions may be fiercer than the strike of a sword.
[... ]
First, "admonish them" – once, twice, three times, four times, ten times. If this doesn't help, "refuse to share their beds." In such a case, the husband does not sleep with his wife, or, in other words, he is angry with her. He gives her the silent treatment, refusing to talk to her. If he comes to eat, and she asks him: "How are you?" – he doesn't answer. If she asks him: "Do you want anything?" – he doesn't answer. He distances himself from her in bed and in conversation, he does not sleep with her, but goes to sleep in another room. He shows her that he is angry with her. If this does not help – if the admonishing did no good, and when he goes to sleep in another room, she says: "Thank God, he's gone. Now I've got the whole bed to myself, I will sleep alone in bed and roll over at night as much as I like." If neither method worked with her, what is the third option?

Guest: "And beat them."

Al-'Arifi: That's right. How is this beating performed? What do you think?

Guest: Light beatings.

Al-'Arifi: Light beatings in what way?

Guest: For example, I wouldn't beat her in the face...

Al-'Arifi: Beating in the face is forbidden, even when it comes to animals. When a person is beating an animal... Even if you want your camel or donkey to start walking, you are not allowed to beat it in the face. If this is true for animals, it is all the more true when it comes to humans. So beatings should be light and not in the face. Some religious scholars say: "He should beat her with a toothpick." I happen to have a toothpick with me. A man who is angry with his wife because she doesn't get it... If he says to her: "Watch out, the child has fallen next to the stove," or: "Move the child away from the electrical socket," and she says: "I am busy" – then he beats her with a toothpick or something like it. He doesn't beat her with a bottle of water, a plate, or a knife. This is forbidden. The scholars said he should beat her with a toothpick. Check out how gentle the toothpick used for beating is. This shows you that the purpose is not to inflict pain. When you beat an animal, you intend to cause it pain so it will obey you, because an animal would not understand if you said: "Oh camel, come on, start moving." The camel does not understand such things, unless you beat it. A donkey understands nothing but beatings, but a woman, a man, a child, and so on, are generally more affected by emotions than by other things. If you beat her with a toothpick, or if you beat her lightly with your hand, and so on, it is meant to convey: "Woman, it has gone too far. I can't bear it anymore." If he beats her, the beatings must be light and must not make her face ugly. He must beat her where it will not leave marks. He should not beat her on the hand... He should beat her in some places where it will not cause any damage. He should not beat her like he would beat an animal or a child - slapping them right and left. Unfortunately, many husbands beat their wives only when they get mad, and when they start beating, it as if they are punching a wall – they beat with their hands, right and left, and sometimes use their feet. Brother, it is a human being you are beating. This is forbidden. He must not do this.

Welcome to Absurdistan!

2007-10-25T20:10:00.000-06:00

The times we live in: A veiled security worker frisking an elderly nun at the Detroit airport. If God is inclined to levity, he must be laughing.

One can't get good help these days

2007-10-14T16:22:00.000-06:00

Mitzi and Fritzi's first rave

2007-10-14T02:20:00.000-06:00

"We had splendid fun," said Mitzi.
"Really cool!" commented Fritzi. "We plan to return often."

Minding God's business

2007-10-02T21:52:00.000-06:00

Street preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin', and fuckin' right now... But I can't... I just can't, because this is my mission -- to annoy ya and preach the word of God!

Good start. Once he upgrades his vocabulary, he’ll get his own TV ministry.

Air Sincere

2007-09-25T22:19:00.000-06:00

Just say what’s on your mind!

Pilot: Passengers in first class will be receiving a nice, warm breakfast served by our lovely stewardesses... Coach will be receiving cold breakfast. [Pause] Wow, that really sucks.

--Connecting flight to Gatwick Airport

From the flight deck before takeoff: I'm only gonna say this once: You have to turn off your laptop, iPod, Game Boy, CD player, BlackBerry, blueberry, strawberry, cherry, and Halle Berry -- yes, you have to turn her off, too! You have to turn off anything that isn't keeping you alive.

--JetBlue flight, JFK

Free breasts for Australian sailors

2007-09-17T22:58:00.000-06:00

SYDNEY (AFP) - The Australian military Sunday defended its decision to pay for some female sailors to have breast implants, saying the operations were not carried out for cosmetic reasons.
Australian Defence Force spokesman Brigadier Andrew Nikolic did not say how many women had had the taxpayer-funded operation.

But he said the military would consider paying for plastic surgery for personnel where there were medical, dental or compelling psychological or psychiatric reasons.

Any suggestion that breast operations were carried out to make the women "look sexy" were not only wrong, but insulting, Nikolic said.

Cosmetic reasons? Perish the thought! They just want the sailor uniforms to sit better.

Read more...

However, those desirous to improve their bust size need not to join the Australian Navy. Here is a website where the needy can get implants for free. Well, not altogether free...

My Free Breast Implants

Of all the kinky fatwas...

2007-09-07T20:02:00.000-06:00

First came the breast-feeding fatwa. It declared that the Islamic restriction on unmarried men and women being together could be lifted at work if the woman breast-fed her male colleagues five times, to establish family ties. Then came the urine fatwa. It said that drinking the urine of the Prophet Muhammad was deemed a blessing. If that is not crazy enough for you, you are probably ready for the mufkhaza fatwa.

Source: islam.com

The fatwa of Mufkhaza [rubbing the penis between the thighs] of children

Fatwa number [31409] dated 7/5/1421 Hijri

All praises be to Allah alone and prayers and peace be upon the one whom no prophet can come after him---- Moreover: The Permanent Committee for Academic Research and Rendering Fatwas (religious edicts) has reviewed the religious opinion request sent to his beatitude, the General Mufti (Muslim scholar who interprets the shari’a), by the opinion seeker, Abu Abdullah Muhammad Al-Shammeri. This was referred to the committee by the general trusteeship of the committee of senior clerics as number 1809 and dated 3/5/1421 Hijri.

The text of the religious opinion seeker’s question: “The practice of performing Mufkhaza on small boys has recently become widespread, and especially during wedding celebrations. What is the [religious] validity of that knowing that the messenger of Allah, may Allah salute and pray on him, had preformed Mufkhaza on our lady Ayesha, may she find favor with Allah.”

After study by the committee for rendering fatwas, it answered with the following:

Resorting to these illegitimate practices, which came to our lands through pornographic films sent by the infidels and the enemies of Islam, is not consistent with centuries-long Islamic guidance. However, concerning the messenger of Allah, may Allah salute and pray on him, having had preformed Mufkhaza on his fiancée Ayesha: she was six-years-old and he could not have intercourse with her due to her young age therefore, he, may Allah salute and pray on him, would place his penis between her thighs and rub it gently.(*) Also, the messenger of Allah possessed a penis unlike that of the believers. (**) Based on that, it is not permissible to carry on Mufkhaza during weddings, in homes, and in schools (***) due to its excessive danger… May Allah curse the infidels who brought these practices to our lands.

The Permanent Committee for Academic Research and Rendering Fatwas,
Member: Bakr bin Abdu Allah Abu Zayed
Member: Salih bin Fawzan Al-Fawzan (The Twisted Nature of Women)
Chairman: Abdul Aziz bin Abdu Allah bin Muhammad Al Al-Sheikh

(*) A practice the Prophet learned from infidel pornographic films.
(**) Probably child-sized.
(***) It is however permissible to perform Mufkhaza during funerals, in garages and behind school buildings.

Retardation as a career option

2007-07-07T21:53:00.000-06:00

Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]
Kid's mom, embarrassed: He means 'retired.'
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]

The twisted nature of women

2007-06-30T00:06:00.000-06:00

Shot at 2007-06-30

Husbands should put up with their wives' slips and errors because the twisted nature of women stems from their very creation, says Saudi cleric Abd Al-Aziz Al-Fawzan in a lecture delivered on Al-Majd TV on June 11, 2007:

Transcript provided by MEMRI

Abd Al-Aziz Al-Fawzan: The Prophet Muhammad said about women: "I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you," and so on. This hadith and others like it were misunderstood by the ignorant. Corrupt people interpreted it in a way that differs from its original intent. Because of their ignorance, their insolence, their stupidity, and because of their enmity towards Islam and Muslims, they turned this hadith into evidence that Islam disgraces women, diminishing her value, and describes her in inadequate terms.

Having thus established the insolence and stupidity of critics, Al-Fawzan proceeds to explain the awesome wisdom of said hadiths:

These hadiths provide some of the most decisive evidence that Islam protects women and guarantees their rights. Islam has surrounded the woman with a fence of compassion and mercy. It has shown that the twisted nature of women stems from their very creation. This is how Allah wanted woman to be. Therefore, the husband must adapt himself to her and be patient with her. He should not giver her too many things to do, or things that she is incapable of doing. He should not make her do anything that is contrary to her nature, and to the way she was created by Allah. In addition, he should turn a blind eye to her mistakes, he should tolerate her slips and errors, and put up with all the silly ignorant things she might say, because this constitutes part of the nature of her creation. In addition, women have surging emotions, which in some cases, might overpower their minds. The weakness with which women were created is the secret behind their attractiveness and appeal to their husbands. It is the source of women's seduction of men, and one of the elements strengthening the bond between husband and wife. This is one of the wondrous miracles of Allah: The strength of a woman lies in her weakness. Her power of seduction and appeal lie in her emotions, which might overpower her mind at times.

The compassionate lecturer then focuses on the mutual satisfaction of natural urges:

Both husband and wife should satisfy their spouse's natural urges, and should try to gratify their desires, as long as nothing prevents this. This is why the Prophet said: "When a man calls his wife to fulfill his needs, she must go to him, even if she is busy with the oven." Imagine this: There is fire in the oven, and she wants to bake bread. But even if she's busy with this work that cannot be neglected, when he calls her, she must leave the oven and go to her husband. Another hadith says: "She must go to him, even if she is on the back of a camel." She must go to him, even if she is riding.

Bikers' chicks this applies to you as well!

Rent-a-pincushion

2007-06-21T20:03:00.000-06:00

Consult our special rates for sadistic dressmakers!

Fair warning

2007-06-04T00:28:00.000-06:00

Women, remember that men are like...

...placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

...mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

...bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

...government bonds
they take so long to mature.

...copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

...lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

...bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

...high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

...curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

...mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

...handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

No wonder Islam is the fastest-growing religion

2007-05-23T19:58:00.000-06:00

From the Associated Press:

Al-Azhar University, one of Sunni Islam's most prestigious institutions, ordered one of its clerics Monday to face a disciplinary panel after he issued a controversial decree allowing adults to breast-feed.

Ezzat Attiya had issued a fatwa, or religious edict, saying adult men could breast-feed from female work colleagues as a way to avoid breaking Islamic rules that forbid men and women from being alone together.

In Islamic tradition, breast-feeding establishes a degree of maternal relation, even if a woman nurses a child who is not biologically hers. It means the child could not marry the nursing woman's biological children.

Attiya - the head of Al-Azhar's Department of Hadith, or teachings of the Prophet Muhammad - insisted the same would apply with adults. He argued that if a man nursed from a co-worker, it would establish a family bond between them and allow the two to work side-by-side without raising suspicion of an illicit sexual relation.

NEXT FATWA: Single non-breastfeeding female employees must be impregnated by male co-workers.

.

A place for romance/Real life stories

2007-05-17T22:11:00.000-06:00

Man on cell in washroom stall: Hold on a second, honey. [Biological sounds] Okay, I'm back. Look, there's no way to say this other than right out. This week together made me think things over. Will you marry me?

Always hire a reputable divorce lawyer

2007-04-29T13:45:00.000-06:00

Polygamy is no sinecure

2007-04-20T22:01:00.000-06:00

RIYADH (Reuters) - A Saudi man lost a bit of his nose in a joint assault by his two wives after he jokingly threatened to marry a third woman.

Judaie Ibn Salem had thought his threat would help resolve an argument over dividing up his house.
"I swore that I would do it because ... they were impolite and that's when I came under an even bigger attack," Ibn Salem told Shams newspaper after having seven stitches inserted.
"I never realized they would get so worked up. But the only way to restore my dignity is really to take a third wife.
"I don't know what I'm going to lose next if I do that."

I suspect that next time it won't be his nose.

Emily Post is definitely dead

2007-04-15T16:27:00.000-06:00

On the bus

Drunk guy on cell: Yeah, man, all this stuff happened... It was fucked up.
Blonde: Could you please keep it down a little?
Drunk guy on cell: Man, this blonde bitch in front of me wants me to shut up. Dumb bitch. [hangs up and addresses blonde] Sorry about that. So, where are you going tonight?

Suggested reading:

10 facts you don't want to know

2007-04-05T23:03:00.000-06:00

1. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge liked to eat breakfast while having his head rubbed with Vaseline.

2. There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.

3. According to a recent survey, more than half of British adults have had sex in a public place!

4. Each year, 24,000 Americans are bitten by rats.

5. In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog.

6. The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.

7. One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.

8. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

9. Washington, D.C. has one lawyer for every 19 residents.

10. Half of all identity thieves are either relatives, friends, or neighbors of their victims.

Find the child

2007-03-28T22:28:00.000-06:00

Desperate liaisons

2007-03-20T22:10:00.000-06:00

Chick on cell: I always end up dating people whose names aren't actually their names.

Woman on cell: There's this guy I think is really hot. He's gained some weight and lost his hair... but in a graceful way. No, no, nothing like that. He's really nice and he's so smart... Well, he drinks a lot.

Hipster chick: ... And I'm like, 'I love you.' And he's like, 'Get away from me.' I think he's just afraid of commitment.

Woman to friends: Who needs a boyfriend when you've got a dog who farts?

Spring classes for men

2007-03-12T01:57:00.000-06:00

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY April 1st 2007. NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum .Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing .Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Having a rough day?

2007-03-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

A day in dog's life

2007-02-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'll love you forever - I really mean it!

2007-02-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

Mom, guess who is coming to dinner?

2007-02-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

Cool down, man!

2007-02-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Overheard in a bar

Dude 1: Guess what! See those hot chicks over there? As I walked past them, they whispered “Nine.” Nine out of ten, that’s pretty good, no?

Dude 2: I don't want to ruin the evening for you but when I came in, they were speaking German.

Socialist heaven

2007-01-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew who claims credit for this Photoshop masterpiece. It is certainly not what Michelangelo intended but it speaks to me. :)))

***!!!

2007-01-18T00:17:00.000-07:00

Real life story: The fish dilemma

2007-01-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

(Overheard in a bistro)

Brunette: So, you're a vegetarian?
Blonde: Yep. Eating animals kills.
Brunette: Wait, but you had sushi the other night.
Blonde: Fish doesn't count. It's, like, not an animal.
Brunette: Huh? Yeah, it is. It, like, breathes and stuff.
Blonde: But it's underwater.
Brunette: No, it's an animal, 'cause it moves around and swims.
Blonde: Then how come I can eat it?

They both need changing, don't they?

2007-01-02T22:53:00.000-07:00

Merry pooping Christmas from Spain!

2006-12-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

Meet "El Caganer," or the great defecator in the Catalan language. He can be found in nativity scenes, and increasingly on the mantelpieces of collectors, throughout Spain's northeastern Catalonia region, where for centuries symbols of defecation have played an important role in Christmas festivities.

During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces, and on Christmas Eve Catalan children beat a hollow log, called the tio, packed with holiday gifts, singing a song that urges it to defecate presents out the other end.

These traditions, in the case of the caganer dating back as far as the 17th century, come from an agricultural society where defecation was associated with fertility and health.

Well... eh... that's charmingly down-to-earth. Literally.

Suicide bomber's heaven

2006-12-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, indeed, Abdullah, there are virgins waiting for you.

Evolution of the species

2006-11-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

It is always the regale in basilica

2006-11-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

Introducing Chinglish, the mysterious language of China

Awhile back the Beijing Tourism Bureau held a six-month campaign to improve basic English usage at 60 famous scenic spots visited by foreigners, such as the Palace Museum and the Great Wall. People coming across a confusing sign were asked to phone a hotline and report their find to the bureau for correction.

Random items found:

[Chinglish for BULK PRESERVED FRUIT]

"Little grass is smiling slightly, please walk on pavement" — in a Beijing park.

"Please keep your legs" — next to the escalator.

"Reduces signs of premature senility" — on a bottle of face cream.

"Don't forget to carry your thing" — in the back of a taxi.

"To take notice of safe. The slippery are very crafty" — sloped entrance to mall opposite Beijing Railway Station.

"No fight and scrap, no rabble. No feudal fetish or sexy service permitted in the park" — at the Ming Tombs.

"Those who are drunk, sick or below 1.1m are forbid to take part in suck game!" — at the entrance to a Beijing park

"Unnecessary touching" — above automatic taps at Beijing airport.

“Assorted Fuck” - sign above the dried-foods aisle in a supermarket

As for the perplexing “It is always a regale in basilica”, found on a package of dried mushrooms, a literal translation of the original Chinese text would be "Throughout history it has been ranked among the royal products [for use in] the imperial palace and the delicacies [to be served at] state banquets."

Undeniably, Chinglish is confuciusing.

Home decor: Son, say no to pink!

2006-11-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Overheard in the Paint aisle, Home Depot:

Father: What is your favorite color?

Son, sitting in cart: Um...Pink!

Father: No! It's black or maybe blue.

I want to be in this army!

2006-11-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

... and those who are cold, stand in line for a warm hug!

One chicken chow mein, please!

2006-11-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

Bad memory

2006-10-26T19:47:00.000-06:00

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Fashion page: Study in Pink

2006-10-20T23:31:00.000-06:00

Are you confused about your gender? Do you suffer under a pressure to conform? Soft pastels in harmonious combination will soothe your anxiety.

Not on the menu

2006-10-14T03:18:00.000-06:00

Elegant insults

2006-10-11T00:52:00.000-06:00

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

Extreme outdoor living

2006-10-03T22:21:00.000-06:00

New York Safari

2006-09-24T11:58:00.000-06:00

Come and explore the unique Big Apple fauna!

Courtesy of the blog Overheard in New York
via Overheard in New York, Sep 23, 2006

Hipster #1: And the funny thing was... she had no curtains, right?
Hipster #2: Yeah?
Hipster #1: Yeah, and I mean I wasn't entirely comfortable with that, but what was I supposed to say, "I'm not comfortable with my penis in your mouth right now"?
Hipster #2: Obviously you weren't gonna say that!

--Duane Reade, 23rd between 6th & 7th

Woman #1: I can't wait to get to the hotel this weekend and have a hot bath in a clean tub.
Woman #2: What, you can't use your own tub?
Woman #1: I wouldn't sit in it. It's filthy. I only take a bath in hotel bathtubs.
Woman #2: Surely your bathtub is cleaner than a hotel bath where thousands of strange butts have been.
Woman #1: You've never seen my tub!

--Steps, NY Public Library

Overheard by: Librarian

Hipster girl: ...so then he was like, "Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!"

--Union Square

Overheard by: Gamoid

Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.

--1 train, Lincoln Center

Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.

--BX 12 bus

Guy in wifebeater: Nah...Nah...That ain't rape. That definitely ain't rape.

--W. Broadway & Spring

Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that's what. Fucking bitches.

--Union Square

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now...Hello?

--4th St & 6th Ave

Hipster girl to hipster guy: I'm really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?

--Q train, Canal Street

Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?

--86th & Lex

Drunk man: I can't believe they took Ray's fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?

--Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don't, I'm gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I've been drinking. If I wasn't drinking, he wouldn't bother me. If I had been drinking more, I'd just hit him. But right now I'm caught in a strange netherworld and I'll just chill down here.

--1 train

Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!

--Times Square

Guy: Man, I don't care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I'll be like, "You're ready. Let's go get hammered." No fuckin' way I'm waiting 'til he's eleven.

--7th St & 2nd Ave

50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.

--1st Ave between 9th & 10th

Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.

--3rd St & 1st Ave

Barmaid: I'll never feel lonely as long as someone, somewhere wants to stick it up my butt. Knowing that helps me sleep at night. Yes, sir, so long as I know that someone still wants to put it in my poop chute, I'm one happy camper.

--E Houston St

Woman to man: Just stick your dick in his ass. That'll make him happy.

--Bleecker St

White girl on cell: And he put it in my ass and I was like, "Nuh-uh, nigga."

--12th St & 6th Ave

Yuppie: Can we not talk about anal sex at the opera?

--Met performance, Great Lawn, Central Park

via Overheard in New York, Sep 20, 2006

You don't say!

2006-09-17T19:52:00.000-06:00

Well, never mind the pretext, it's time to party!!!!

A must have!

2006-09-06T00:05:00.000-06:00

Baby care manual for blondes:

2006-08-28T01:14:00.000-06:00

Thus spoke the Dalai Lama:

2006-08-17T23:34:00.000-06:00

Sometimes in my dreams there are women...When such dreams happen, immediately I remember, 'I am a monk.'...It is very important to analyze 'What is the real benefit of sexual desire?' The appearance of a beautiful face or a beautiful body - as many scriptures describe - no matter how beautiful, they essentially decompose into a skeleton. When we penetrate to its human flesh and bones, there is no beauty, is there? A couple in a sexual experience is happy for that moment. Then very soon trouble begins.

Example of trouble:

Repartee

2006-07-22T23:10:00.000-06:00

Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits.

The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or maybe "Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, What am I going to eat next? Who am I going to screw next? and, Can I run fast enough to get away? They are very much like the French in that."

The truth about sex

2006-07-17T02:28:00.000-06:00

"There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be." Norman Mailer

"Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing." Phyllis Diller

"Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." Marilyn Sokol

"The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." Scott Roeben

"Nothing makes you forget about love like sex." Staci Beasley

"I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading." Anonymous

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." Jane Austen

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." Anonymous

Animal tales: This will hurt

2006-07-06T08:20:00.000-06:00

You'll cook or else!

2006-06-22T23:59:00.000-06:00

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese woman has been charged with accidentally killing her husband with a sword after he refused to make her dinner, the Shanghai Daily said on Tuesday.

Police said Tang Xiaowan, 25, who has been practicing swordsmanship since she was young, had often forced her husband of three years at sword point to carry out her demands.

When her husband, Li Weidong, refused to cook dinner because he was late for work, Tang picked up her sword. She put it on Li's chest and promptly slipped, stabbing Li by mistake.

I'm going to tell my husband that I'm tired of cooking... as soon as I remember where I left my sword.

Animal tales: Action Kitty

2006-06-10T23:35:00.000-06:00

Fashion page: Focus on belts

2006-05-31T23:16:00.000-06:00

Airport chat

2006-05-24T23:36:00.000-06:00

Above is an e-Message Board, a service which allows you to leave a text message on some units of display devices at the airport not only to facilitate communication between meeters and greeters, but also express your warm welcome to your guests.

A random sample of airport messages:

Message for Tim the backpacker:
See you in arrival hall A. I brought a suitcase full of money and laxatives. Hope the bag of coke inside your stomach didn't burst.

Hi FoxyGal16
So excited to finally see u in person! Hope you are as hot as the half-naked picture you emailed me :) I'll be in arrival hall B touching myself under a grimy trenchcoat and looking closer to 40 instead of 18 like I said on Myspace.

To my darling Susan:
Marry me now! (I'm serious, they're about to deport me if you don't).
Your boyfriend Abdul

Dear John
We have finally met each other. You are so screwed.
Get out here now, your wife and your mistress

Message for Mr Jones of Global Corp:
Your super stretch hotel limousine has been arranged and charged to your company account. However the trio of Slovenian hookers you ordered will only take cash.

Dearest Horace
Sorry I won't be able to pick you up. Have taken the kids and run off with my tennis instructor. Divorce papers will be served in arrival hall B.
No hard feelings, Wilhelmina

Alternative fuel

2006-05-23T00:01:00.000-06:00

Beans! Why didn't we think of it sooner?

Why indeed?

2006-05-14T11:58:00.000-06:00

Denmark Islamophobia Conference staged in Copenhagen this Saturday tackled the following questions:

Islamophobia- Why is Islam perceived as a threat to the West ? Is it a clash of civilizations or is it just media perceptions or propaganda?

Why is Islam seen as a dilemma in the West? Islam is a religion like other religions - Why is Islam singled out as a problem?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with these welcoming hostesses:

More pictures from this surreal event: http://www.uriasposten.net